Losing all my hair at 35 forced me to rethink the concept of beauty and self-worth

A close female friend once told me: “Xi Ren, you’re a perfectionist. If, one day, you become ugly, you would kill yourself.”

At the time, I thought: “Why would she say that? That’s so harsh.” 

It’s true that growing up, I’d often been complimented as a beautiful girl. People often praised my beautiful eyes, my long, thick hair and so on.

I’d feel happy hearing such things, but at the same time, I’d always been raised to believe that a person’s worth isn’t determined by their appearance – the same way it’s not determined by their status or wealth, but by how they make a difference or make an impact on others’ lives. 

I didn’t dwell much on her comment in the moment.

Then, many years later, I found myself facing a life-changing experience that pushed me to prove my philosophy on how beauty isn’t everything.

A PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL DEVASTATION

In 2015, I was under immense stress. I was struggling with serious health issues involving my family that affected both my parents.

Weighed down by these and other burdens, including a toxic work environment, I often slept as little as three hours a night.

I became depressed, but I put up a strong front, smiling like everything was fine.

No one could tell that deep down inside, I was miserable. 

To escape the pain, I turned to unhealthy coping mechanisms. 

I binged on buffets one to two times a week and then, because I wanted to stay slim, I would purge. I pushed my body to extremes with obsessive exercise and skipped meals. 

I did all this for about eight months and ended up destroying my health, developing an auto-immune condition called alopecia areata at the age of 35. 

Alopecia usually results in patchy hair loss, but my condition was much more serious and rarer: I lost all my hair, including my eyebrows and eyelashes. 

For someone who had always taken pride in her beauty, this was devastating – not just physically, but emotionally and psychologically. 

WRESTLING WITH SELF-ACCEPTANCE

As a perfectionist, I wrestled with self-acceptance. My self-esteem and self-worth were tested in a way they had never been before. 

I wondered: “Why was this happening to me? How long will this continue? What if my hair never grows back? What would I become? How would I face people then? How would they see me?” 

I avoided mirrors at first. I didn’t want to see myself, to see how ugly I had become. 

In my lowest moments, I recalled that comment made by my close friend. But I thought to myself: No, I am stronger than that. 

Even in my darkness, I was grateful to still be alive. I only lost my hair, but the way I was living, I could have lost my life instead. 

I chose to see my alopecia as a wake-up call. I had been given a second chance at life and I knew I had to treasure it. I promised myself that I would overcome this adversity.

LETTING GO AND REBUILDING

To rebuild myself from within, I started with facing up to my new reality. 

Instead of avoiding mirrors, I began looking at my reflection bravely, accepting myself fully.

Admittedly, it was depressing at first, but once I started to accept it, it started to feel liberating.

It didn’t get any better when my hair started growing back. It was always in patches and a lot of it was white. It looked very ugly and scary. 

I had to continuously shave my head until the bald patches closed up and my hair growth evened out. This process took me four years. During this period, I wore wigs to help me carry on with a “normal” life.

It took me another four years for my hair to grow back to its original length. 

Even today, my eyebrows and eyelashes remain very sparse, but I am just very grateful to be able to grow back my hair at all, especially when my condition was so severe. Doctors have said that alopecia is a condition that may come back anytime.  

A NEW DEFINITION OF BEAUTY

I had to learn to let go of attachment – attachment to beauty, attachment to perfectionism. This is easier said than done. However, I’m thankful that I’d always been raised to have a positive mindset and attitude.

I drew strength from the values instilled in me since childhood.

I saw that my value lies not in my external appearance, but in the courage and resilience I’d shown in dealing with alopecia. My worth is reflected not in the mirror, but in how much I help or give to others, and the impact I have on their lives.

I learnt to embrace myself fully, accepting my flaws and imperfections. It taught me a simple but universal truth: True beauty goes beyond how we look on the outside. 

True beauty isn’t about how much we weigh, or how thick and shiny our hair is.

It’s about how full and rich our hearts are. 

True beauty is a light that shines from within. It’s in the joy we bring to others, the strength we show in tough times, and the kindness we extend to ourselves and others. 

DOES BEAUTY STILL MATTER?

Will I ever be beautiful again? Maybe not like I was before, but it’s okay. 

I don’t want to live in the past. What’s gone is gone. What I can control is embracing the present and moving forward. 

Rather than focusing on what I don’t have, I choose to appreciate what I do have. I want to make the best of my time now and to live well and purposefully. 

That’s not to say that beauty doesn’t matter. It still matters to me now, but in a different way. 

Beauty – true beauty – isn’t about how we look; it’s about our values and character. It’s not about conforming to societal standards but about embracing who we are. 

For me, I feel beautiful when I have self-acceptance, self-love and self-confidence. I feel beautiful when I overcome challenges in my life and when I help others. 

While I lost my hair, eyebrows and eyelashes to alopecia, I have gained so much more. 

It gave me many invaluable life lessons that have made me a stronger, better and happier person today. It gave me a deep appreciation for life beyond appearances. 

It also gave me a purpose: I left my 20-year corporate career in human resources and founded my own company with a mission to help others manage stress and build resilience. 

I do believe we go through tough experiences for a reason – to learn, to grow and to share our hard-earned wisdom with others. Every struggle hides a gift, a blessing waiting to be unwrapped. 

By sharing my struggles, I hope to encourage others to uncover the gifts and blessings in theirs. We’re all capable of discovering our own inner beauty and letting it shine. 

Yang Xi Ren is the founder of Xel Consulting, a human resource consultancy, and she is a motivational speaker on mental health.

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